Why eating cultured people could be the next big thing
There are many inventions that are always promised but never seem to arrive, or at least not quite in the way we had imagined. Examples include a universal cure for all cancers and a hover board of the kind that they have in Back to the Future. But one invention that does seem to be in danger of becoming a reality is cultured meat. If you’re not aware of this, it is meat grown from animal cells without actually harming any animals. So for instance you could take a sample of cells from a pig or a sheep and a laboratory near you could actually grow it into a pork chop or a rack of lamb. Well maybe not quite that simple but the principle is there.
Now this raises a number of very interesting questions, not least of which is whether it still constitutes exploitation of animals and whether the ends justifies the means. A dyed in the wool vegan or an animal rights campaigner would definitely say that it is unethical. After all if you subscribe to the view that all species are created equal then humanity has no right to go stealing a pig’s cells without its consent, which of course it cannot give.
A pragmatist however would argue that the world is wedded to its burgers and it must be more ethical, practical and environmentally sound than raising animals for slaughter. The issue of the environment is a huge selling point for those who are investing in this startup. They point to the fact that meat production is a major factor in global warming due to the sheer number of animals involved, the amount of acreage given over to production, and the transportation costs and the costs associated with growing feed for the animals. In any real world argument, they would say, it has to be better.
Oliver Milman wrote an article in the Guardian last week about how he, as a vegetarian, had tried lab grown meat taken from a pig in New York State. Apparently it was pretty good and he was shown pictures of the donor, a pig called Dawn, although it is not clear whether she has her own instagram account yet. They are also working on other animals including cows, sheep and ducks. In Singapore this technology is already a reality and has been since 2020 presumably because their equivalent of the Food and Drugs Administration moves a bit quicker. Or is less bothered.
For me the consent issue seems to be a major stumbling block here. I worry about Dawn the Pig and someone sneaking up to her when she is asleep and extracting cell samples. I know pigs are intelligent but I can’t imagine them understanding the question and doing a “one trotter knock for yes and two trotter knocks for no” response. However there is a solution and one which I think fits perfectly with the culture of the world we live in today: celebrity cannibalism. If no one is actually harmed in the process of making cultured meat, what is wrong with eating people, who can give their consent? And if millions of tons can be grown from one sample, why not just go down the route of harvesting cells from famous people who can monetise their butt cheeks (and lets be honest, already do).
Over time this could be revolutionary. Killing and eating animals would of course become illegal. It would be okay to eat a slice of Kevin Bacon but not a slice of actual bacon. You could actually eat Reese Witherspoon with a spoon. Lindsey Lohan would change her name to Lindsey Low Ham and market herself with the slogan “at last, anyone can have a piece of me … and I’m lower in fat than other famous people”. And don’t even get me started on Meatloaf…
There would be deviants out there of course. People who insisted in running a black market where you could still buy real animals and eat them on the grounds that all humans taste like chicken. Donald Trump of course would doubtless declare cultured meat un-American just as he levelled the same accusation against veganism some years ago (yes it’s true – The Donald is so paranoid he even sees vegans as a threat).
But is it safe? According to a Wikipedia article, “Although it may benefit the individual, it has been shown that the presence of cannibalism decreases the expected survival rate of the whole population and increases the risk of consuming a relative. Other negative effects may include the increased risk of pathogen transmission as the encounter rate of hosts increases.” Cultured human meat however need not concern itself with these fears as all the food chain issues such as pathogens and accidentally eating your own auntie could be dealt with in the laboratory.
But finally and most crucially I would suggest that the UK is a perfect country for starting this revolution in eating habits. Post Brexit, deregulated Britain could lead the world in eating people to reduce our carbon footprint. After all the culture of the UK is now one where, after the bonfire of EU regulations, anything is possible. Let us embrace this idea. Let us as a nation put our best foot forward – ideally properly boned and served en croute …
This blog post was adapted from the Eyecatching Words Podcast Episode 9
Eyecatching 