The ultimate comeback tour?
News that scientists are aiming to bring back the long deceased Dodo by crossing its DNA with that of a Nicobar pigeon in a Jurassic Park style revival of long extinct animals has been met with interest in the senior echelons of the conservative party. The tories’ fortunes have sunk so low that they have decided to invest all the funds they have left in a desperate attempt to create a new lab grown Winston Churchill.
Although this would be a massive undertaking it was felt to be more desirable and practicable than trying to revive the fortunes of any recent Tory PMs. Theresa May would not consent to being bought back, a revived Boris Johnson is just too scary to countenance, and apparently the technology does not exist to bring back Liz Truss with a functioning brain as she did not have one in the first place. This has been evidenced just this week by her complete inability to recognise her failings and blaming “left wing economics” for her downfall, when in fact it was the free market economy that ended her short period in office. Does anyone really want a prime minister that doesn’t know their left from their right?
The idea does have other parties running scared however and it is rumoured that Keir Starmer is seriously considering a crowdfunding approach to reviving the great post war labour prime minister Clement Attlee, whilst the Lib Dems are looking at a Lloyd George option, although given their lack of resources it is believed they would have to settle for an ageing celebrity lookalike rather than the genetically engineered real deal.
Most worrying however is the news that Tony Blair and David Cameron have recently met to consider pooling their genes with a view to creating a completely new breed of statesman called a Cameron Blair. The idea of this Frankensteinian creation has been met with dismay in ethical circles, since it raises the spectre of unleashing hitherto unknown political creatures on to the Westminster landscape. “it’s one thing to bring back historical figures for a second chance on the Westminster Stage” said the speaker of the House of Commons Sir Lindsey Hoyle “but quite another to creat genetically modified cross-bench animals whose destructive powers would be unknown. Combining the smooth bullshit of Blair with the austerity instincts and bad judgement of Cameron could be a disaster for British Democracy. Sorry, another disaster for British democracy. Besides political parties should not be able to grow the leaders they think they need. You could have a different freak every few months on that basis.” Sorry Sir Lindsey but a year in which we’ve three PMs of varying degrees of incompetency suggests that we’ve already been there, done that …
Nigel farage, meanwhile, has denied speculation that he is in fact not human at all but was created some years ago from the genes of an unspecified evil figure in history, although facial recognition software has apparently idenitified one potential match (once digitally de-haired) with the notorious Grigori Rasputin,. “Complete nonsense” said Farage. “Rasputin was a fantasist who manage to convince gullible peope to do his bidding, ruined an entire once powerful country, forced it into years of disruption, and was notoriously difficult to get rid of …Nothing like me at all …”
Eyecatching 