It’ll all end in tears …
That bit of the capital with an inferiority complex (or a superiority complex depending on your viewpoint) will be agog to know that plans are being made for a new West End show called South London: The Musical. In the tradition of other misguided enterprises such as Mama Mia, this will use a range of existing songs that will be adapted to tell the story of Trevor, an ordinary South Londoner trapped in a miserable incel existence in a decrepit studio flat in Catford in the 1970s. In the opening scene he is bemoaning the sorrows of his life to the tune of Catfish (Catford) Blues and hanging out of his window and talking to an imaginary woman who he pretends is waiting for him in the street below.
Well, I’m broke and I’m hungry
Well, I’m Ragged and I’m dirty too
If I clean up now baby
Can I come home with you
He even thinks of travelling to the very ends of the northern line to get a soul mate –
Morden a woman / Morden a woman to me
But some things are just too much even for a desperate man.
Of course his call for love goes unanswered as everyone is at home watching Dallas. So he decides to head inward towards the heart of the city, although being a man of limited ambition his journey initially only takes him part of the way.
Start spreading the news
I’m leaving today
I want to be a part of it
New Cross New Cross
These vagabond shoes
They are longing to stray
Right through the very heart of it
New Cross, New Cross
If I can make it there
I’ll make it anywhere
It’s up to you
New Cross, New Cross
And indeed this does turn out to be a turning point in his life as it is in there that he meets Doreen, a woman of similarly uninspiring virtues and lacking in inspiring vices. They escape the dramas of inner city life and take the 53 bus to Blackheath with its wide opens spaces, blue skies and mass graves to people who died during the plagues of the 17th century. Or so legend has it. There they consummate their love late one night whilst looking out over the thames under the stars, Trevor singing joyously:
I found my thrill
On Blackheath Hill
On Blackheath Hill
Where I found you
The moon stood still
On Blackheath Hill
On Blackheath Hill
Where I found you
Ecstatic at losing their virginity to each other they celebrate with an ABBA tune in the Taj Mahal Curry House not far from Blackheath:
Chicken Tikka in Lee High Road
The Garlic Nan is weaving its spell and the lager
Slips down our throat so sweet
Like a true South London nectar
Alas their happiness is short lived as they find their passion frustrated by the fact that they work different shift patterns and the public transport network in South London in the 70s was even worse then than it is now due to under investment by a Tory Government, unaffordable housing, and spiralling inflation. Yeah right … anyway … in a moving scene Trevor sings an adapted version of the Wombles of Wimbledon common to highlight their frustration:
Overground, no underground
South London’s tube free
There isn’t a night bus
To help you and me
They get rented rooms near Dulwich but Trevor gets sent up North to Watford one day for a temporary bar job on match day at Vicarage Road. It is there that he gets a call from a mutual friend to say that Doreen can no longer take living in South London and has overdosed on Babycham and Co-Op Aspirin (6p per packet). Trevor rushes home only to find that Doreen had died whilst he was still waiting for a train at London Bridge. He breaks down crying by her bed in a scene reminiscent of La Boheme and sings mournfully:
I was only
24 minutes from Tulse Hill
I was only
A train ride away from your arms
But something inside of me knew
South London wasn’t for you
And now I’m broken
Trevor ends up as an outpatient at the Maudlsey Hospital and walks the streets of his beloved South London in a largactil induced trance with the occasional visit from his key worker. He spends most of his days watching the wildlife and feeding the birds.
I feed the pigeons, I sometimes feed the sparrows too
It gives me a sense of enormous well-being. (Greenwich Parklife)
And then I’m happy for the rest of the day
Safe in the knowledge there will always be
A bit of my heart devoted to Doreen. (Greenwich Parklife).
Rumour has it that finance for the project is kindly being provided by a South London Integrated Care System using end of year underspends on Health and Social Care budgets and will be coming to a church hall near you in an as yet undisclosed timescale. Or like the last train from London Bridge to Tulse Hill, it may be cancelled and you will, like Trevor, have to find your own way of coping.
Eyecatching 